11.08.2011

Losing myself...

So.. I'm about to share something that I am very passionate about (as of this year). I think it's a very important topic and something that isn't talked about enough, concerning girls. I'm gonna tell you my story...

Warning: If you have not had the "birds and the bee's" talk please don't read this.

A while back I lost my purity. Now before you go spreading lies (if you know me) or thinking about not reading my blog anymore (if you don't) I want you to understand, I have never physically had sex. But guess what? You can lose your purity without having sex. Read that again. Allow me to explain...

It just started out as kissing... which then led to something else, which led to something else, and then "things" became as natural as a kiss goodnight.

My purity was gone. After my first... hmm.. how to put this... "sexual encounter", it was like the blind fold had been lifted off my eyes and I found out something I never knew existed. It was brutal.

I didn't know what "Do not awaken love until it so desires." meant until then... don't fool around or "mess" around until you're married because once it's awakened, it's up for good.

My mind soon became consumed with getting my next "fix" as if I was a drug addict or alcoholic.

Nobody will understand any of this unless you have already been through it. For 2 months I did things I knew was wrong. I allowed someone to use me because I was too afraid of losing them to realize I was losing myself.

Everyday was a battle. I wanted him so bad. I wanted 'that' feeling so bad. I just wanted that 'want' to go away. But it didn't. At all.

Once we were broken up, then the battle grew more intense. Now I'm all alone, have no one to do anything with and I don't know what to do with myself. I hated this time so much.

I had lost self respect for myself and for other guys in general, thinking they all want the same thing. I hated myself for allowing someone to pressure me into something I knew was wrong.
I hated him for taking from me the one thing I thought I'd have until I got married.
I hated life because every day was another day to fight the urge to lose myself again.

I didn't think any other girls were going through this so I hid it. For a long time. I didn't tell anyone, I even tried to tell myself it never happened. I never.. "messed around". But the lies didn't work for me. I knew what I had done and that it was wrong and that I couldn't take it back... and that part, not being able to take it back, killed me.

Then a while back I came across The Good Women project. Thank God for that website! I finally figured out that I was not alone. That there are other girls out there struggling just as I was and that God has forgiven us all and wants to set us free.

People tell you that guys are the only ones who think about sex all the time. That's a lie. If you're purity is gone (physically or mentally) then it can consume you just like it consumes them.

I have now realized, it is by nothing that I have done or will do, that makes me good. Only Jesus Christ in me makes me good. Take Him away and I'm back to being the filthy soul I was before. Leave Him, and He makes me more like Him everyday.

I finally laid myself down at His feet. I laid down everything I have done and let go. I let go of the guilt I had. I let go of the pain I had remembering all the things I did. I let go of the lies satan had told me so many times before. And I let go of my full self and laid me down at His feet.

I found forgiveness for myself and for that person the day I did that. It was freeing. God set me free.

Now, it's not like a magical transformation. It is a process. Everyday I have to choose not to think about those things I thought about before. The new me simply cannot go back to the old ways of life. It's like getting a new car but putting old, worn - out tires on it. It just doesn't work.

I want you to know that no matter what you've done (or haven't done) God loves you unconditionally. He does not change. He is there for you always.

Let go of your sin. Let it go. It's doing you no good hanging on to the old things.
Welcome the new life you can have in Christ and let Him transform you every day. If you need to talk about this or something else leave me a comment with your email and I'll get back to you. I'd love to help you out. Also check out the good women project's website. It's such a blessing in my life. Love y'all! :)

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