I am torn.
Torn between two worlds. Two different lives. One life wants me to be happy all the time and 'go with the flow', yet it leaves me feeling depressed and broken. The other life wants nothing more than the One who created me. That life leaves me feeling blessed, joyful, frustrated, yet grateful.
I wish I had no desire to sin. To want nothing more than God and Him alone. I wish I didn't fail God, yet it happens every day. I can't earn His love, I can't give Him all I want and He still says He loves me. That just makes me feel... torn. Torn between happiness and feelings of unworthiness. Torn between loving myself and hating who I used to be.
Even as I'm feeling these things; feeling the pulling between my flesh and the Spirit, God is there to remind me I am not who I used to be. That's where the burdens start getting so heavy- when I begin thinking that I've not changed that much. Listening to Satan saying those lies like, "You're never gonna stop doing that sin, are you? Might as well give in to it now. You've already dirtied yourself beyond repair anyways. Go ahead, feel alive! Only I know that you will just feel empty afterwards, but you don't need to know that. Remember that happy feeling and forget that sad, heavy one."
His lies sound so good, don't they? "Feed your pleasure, feed your lust, feed your self." but they never live up to expectations. You feed your flesh until it either gets too tiring, too boring, or too draining. Sin is fun, but only for a moment. Then, it becomes your battle against the enemy.
I've noticed that when I get most discouraged or oppressed is when I begin entertaining Satan's lies. I forget my identity in the Lord and remember all the ways I failed in the past and then that's it. I sin. I fall. I feel liberated for a moment and then nothing. I feel condemned and empty.
Jesus doesn't want us to live lives always walking from one end to the other. As Kyle Idleman says in 'Not a Fan', "Jesus doesn't expect followers to be perfect, but He does expect them to be authentic." Too true! God didn't create us for ourselves, He created us for Him! He didn't create us to live lives that never satisfy and always leave you empty. He created us to have a desire for Him and only Him and with our lives, to bring Him glory.
2 Corinthians 5:17 says, "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation, old things have passed away, and look, new things have come." HCSV
You cannot let your past define you! CANNOT. Period. Accept it and then choose to move forward. It's our looking back that gets us every time. You start living for God, you're pleasing Him and doing well and then one look back you start thinking about sin. Thinking about how things used to be. Stop that! If you are living for the Lord you are living the life He intended you to live. Stop entertaining those thoughts from the enemy and start listening to His voice. Dwell on Jesus, not on sin. Dwell on His Word, not on filthy, lust filled, leads to death, thoughts.
I will be torn between the two worlds (Earth & Heaven) until I meet Jesus face - to - face. It's a daily battle. One that will always be there. Thankfully, we don't have to be torn all alone. Jesus is there to gently remind us who we are in Him. He is there when we hear the calls back to sin and He is there to help us pass the test and continue moving forward. It's not easy, we will fall, but the most important thing is to keep moving forward in Christ. Have a blessed night!