This is going to be a very honest, open post. I'm putting a lot of my heart out there. It's a little lengthy so bear with me. I hope you find some sort of encouragement from the Lord through this.
Ask me something I fear. Seriously, ask me!
I'll answer you with one thing that has been driving me up the wall these past few weeks: rejection.
Oh the "I don't care what anyone thinks." attitude doesn't work for me. Period. I don't truly think it works for anyone. We all naturally want to be affirmed and liked by our peers. I don't think there is anything wrong with that at all. The problem is when it consumes us (like it has me) becomes a fear of not being liked because of ___________ (been there), and causes us not to trust in God (ouch! yep, struggling there!).
A friend of a friend said that worry is the absence of faith and that you can't worry or fear something and have faith at the same time. Well darn, looks like my faith has been really wavering.
The other night I was walking through the den, getting ready for bed when I heard Charles Stanley (love that man!!) talking about things we fear. So I listened in for a few as I brushed my teeth. He asked what was one thing that we feared. Mine instantly came to mind. If you guessed rejection, you are right! Well, he said something else (wasn't rejection), so I just moved on. I came in 20 minutes later to say goodnight to my mom and guess what he's talking about?!! Rejection! God knew I needed that (He works in marvelous ways!!), so I sat down and listened and as I listened my heart was breaking. He talked about where it all starts... our childhood. And he said that there is always one defining moment that pushes us towards a life consumed with fear of rejection.
My "defining moment" was when my dad made it very clear he didn't want me. For real, I still can't get it through my head. He helped make me, why would you abandon something you made? Someone? Because you didn't like it? That's how I've felt and feel. I don't have anger towards my dad, but I will never understand why he hasn't made an effort to be in my life.
So naturally, as I walk through life I have this huge fear that people are gonna leave me. I've told people that before, which hasn't really been fair to them because they've tried so hard to always be there for me and because they aren't God, they simply cannot be. I remember crying on the phone telling a person that I didn't want them to leave me. It's a huge problem in my life.
My fear of rejection has led to a very low self-esteem and thinking that I'll never measure up because if I did then people wouldn't want to leave me.
Do you know what that does to my relationship with the Lord? It puts a hindrance on it. Sometimes I don't trust God enough to know He'll never leave me. Sorry if that's too honest for you (really I'm not), but that's the truth. I'm scared that I'll mess up one too many times and He'll leave me and guess what that does? It leaves me striving for perfection, trying to earn His love which can never be earned. I've never had an earthly father so trying to understand my Heavenly One can be difficult. With God all things are possible (thank You, Abba!) so slowly progress is being made by His hand.
This past week God has been breaking me so much. Tears are seriously welling up in my eyes right now. It's beautiful and painful. As I get closer to the Lord the more I realize things, the more He opens my eyes, the more satisfied I am in Him. As I lay down my want and desire to be liked by everyone, He is whispering in my ear that He loves me and that I serve Him and no one else and that in the end, what I did on this earth will only matter in His eyes and His opinion will truly be the only one that counts.
This is a process and not an overnight thing. My encouragement to you, brother or sister, is that you will not lose heart. If you're going through the same thing as me, trust God!! TRUST Him!! It's not that hard, we just make it hard when we listen more to the world than we do Him. Turn a deaf ear to the voices the world throws at you and turn up your ears to hear God. Hallelujah! He's got us! <3