Who am I really living for? Christ or Satan? Myself?

I wrote these words in my journal today. I'm really thinking about it.

The past few weeks have been spent in tears, being torn, upset, and entangled in sin. I laid it down, I picked it up, I laid it down, I picked it up... sin must be LEFT AT THE CROSS. <~ There's a period there. It's almost symbolic because it's a period, end of story type thing.

I know, I know, Christians are supposed to be "perfect", right? No. But when did we begin using being imperfect as an excuse to sin? Oh.. you don't do that? Right, me neither. Awkward...

But for real. I'm tired of this sin and it's like every time I go a few weeks without it I go back and pick it up. You know what that means? Maybe I haven't genuinely repented.

I've been learning about genuine repentance and what I've learned is that it's God's gift! We ourselves cannot make repentance happen in our lives (contrary to what some evangelists and preachers will tell you), we must ask God to change our hearts and lives and let us turn away completely from sin to Him. When I first accepted Christ in my life I believed whole heartedly that only He could change me. There was no pride, no "I can do it by myself" thinking or otherwise I would have never asked Him to come into my life in the first place... how do we get so far away from that type of faith and reliance on God?

I'm tired. Physically, emotionally, spiritually. I have no one else to blame for that but myself. I don't want sin anymore. I FREAKING DON'T! Here's the thing, if I don't replace sin with Him, I'll go right back to where I was. Yes. And it will be a vicious cycle that repeats itself until the end of time.

The key to forsaking sin once and for all is: stop filling up on sin that will never satisfy and leaves you hungry all your life, and start filling up on the Living Water (Jesus Christ) and replace all those bad habits with Him.

I've been doing this in certain areas of my life, but the whole of my life... hmmm.. not so much.

I could end this post with a, "I'm never gonna sin again, all I want is Jesus.." etc. and I'm not saying that people who have said that before are lying, however, I know I'll sin until the world is gone, the point is striving to please God in all I do by obeying Him because that's how I love Him. That's how He wants to be loved, “If you love Me, you will keep My commands." - John 14:15

So I'm gonna end with something better, a prayer, a prayer for myself and for you. I know I can't do this on my own and I'm seeking God's help now.

Thank You for being so faithful to us even when we've been so unfaithful to You.
Show us our sin and let us hate it as You hate it. Let us not make excuses for our sins or try and hide them from You because we can never do that.
Bring our sins out in the open and let us deal with them in Your Light.
Replace our want and desire for sin with a want and desire for You. Let us not go back to filthy ways of living. Let us live in righteousness for You. Let us seek Your Kingdom FIRST.
I'm done with living that way. We need You, Lord. Grant us genuine repentance and give us a new heart and a new spirit like You promised in Ezekiel 36:26. Help us to love You by obeying You as You desire.
                  In Jesus' name, Amen.

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