8.14.2012

It Was For Me, Not Him

I'm overwhelmed.

I've probably stated this to 10 people in the last week. It's the truth and enduring is only coming by God's hand because it's for sure my weak self is not doing too well.

I cannot be perfect.

My quest for perfection I thought had ended but that's just what Satan wanted me to think. As my pastor stated Sunday, the devil doesn't walk around with a pitchfork and little horns. He disguises himself as an angel of Light because after all, that's how he was originally created. He knows the Word and he will use it against you. Be alert!

I thought I was focused on His glory but somehow it turned into a "am I as holy or holier than they are?" contest. It started with comparisons to other people and then took flight from there.

It turned into a religion vs. relationship battle that is still going strong.

I've asked myself some really hard questions the past few days (those questions must be coming from my Father because I don't usually confront anything). The thought has occurred more than once, am I even a Christian? Again my pastor told me a while back in one of our conversations that there will come days when I don't feel like I'm a Christian but I must stand firm. Standing firm is all I can do right now... going backwards isn't an option that's for sure.

I cannot be perfect.

Why is it so hard for me to accept that apart from Christ I'm still the same person? In Him I am new, but apart from Him I'd go straight back to my old ways of life and be fine with it. Sad... very sad, but very true as well. It He who perfects me, and not me myself.

Sometimes I feel like I have to be perfect in everything or God and other people won't accept me. That's religion. "I have to do this so I'm accepted."
Relationship says, "I'm accepted and so I do this because I'm loved and saved by Him."

I won't tweet something I thought about tweeting because it's "just not right" or I can't figure out how I wanna say something so I won't say it all. I won't write a blog post because it sounds self-centered or wrong in my mind. Sometimes people need to see the humanness and His grace. It's pride that holds me back. Thinking that after all my screw ups God can't take yet another one (of many!) and use it for His glory. That's messed up! Oh, y'all this is heavy stuff.

It was for me, not for Him. I got tricked into thinking that I was doing stuff for Him and a lot of it was being done for me. To make myself feel better.

God, change my heart. Flip it. Give me a desire for Your glory and not my own. Help me let go of my want for perfection and allow You to work. Your working will not be hindered by my big-headedness. I lay me down.

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