God has called me to singleness.
Yes, I have the gift of celibacy and I really have no problem with it.
I enjoy being single. I like it a lot. I get to spend so much time with Jesus. I don’t have to work hard for another person*, I can just do what He tells me. It’s a beautiful thing really.
There’s just one problem... I want children.
I want to hold little babies and rock them to sleep. I want to help teenage girls see their worth in His eyes. I want to play catch with sweet children. But I don’t have any. I don’t even have neighborhood kids to play with.
Sometimes I ask God why.
Somewhere some self-righteous person is shaking their head at that statement, but it’s the truth.
I ask Him why I have such a strong desire to have children to call “mine” and yet this gift of celibacy is all up in my face saying, “Welp. That’ll never happen.”
I ask why I have no option to enjoy a child's sweet presence. Not in a, "It's not fair, Daddy." kind of way, but just in a curious, "Why is this desire here?" kind of way.
I also ask Him why I have such a heart to do mission work and yet I can’t go anywhere yet. He hasn’t provided a place and I cry almost every night because I want to go. But He’s said no thus far.
I want to go.
I’m just like a child right now. I cry, I beg, I plead and somehow my prayers are met with a silent peace. He doesn’t really say anything He just looks on me in love and holds me while I cry.
“But I want to go.”
Peace. Be still.
He knows. Oh, He knows!
He sends me out daily to bring His love to broken people. These broken people I don’t even know have grips on my heart stronger than I can describe. I trust His will and His plan. I know He has my good in mind and His glory.
So I trust.
The tears still roll. I ask why sometimes. I pray fervently for these opportunities to come. But I know the God I serve will show me the way, I must simply take each day step by step and walk in His peace.
* To avoid confusion I see no problems with marriage at all. I believe it's also a beautiful thing when lived the way God intended. Both singleness and marriage are gifts from Him and should not be thought of as anything less.