I couldn't handle it anymore. I had to drop to the floor and tell Him everything.
Doubt crept in.
Tears fell down.
My heart lifted and fell simultaneously.
But though the doubt scared me, it was like a huge weight was lifted when I told Him I couldn't do life on my own. I needed Him.
It's like He said, "Finally. I was waiting on you to realize that."
I came back to simple faith.
Faith that relies on Jesus, not on myself. Faith that knows when He's in control, it's all good (Rom. 8:28). Faith that says grace is poured over my life because of the blood of Christ. And faith that knows that when Jesus said it is finished, then it is finished.
Complicated faith (or legalism) says you have to spend _____ amount of time with God or you're gonna get it. Complicated faith says if you don't share your faith with one person this week, then He's gonna get mad at you and not speak for another week. Complicated faith says that when you mess up, there's no grace, only condemnation. It's really no faith at all, but doesn't it trick you? Or maybe it's just me... though I don't think it is.
I want the real thing.
Daniel Bashta (musical genius) wrote these words for his song 'I Want It All (Just Give Me Jesus)',
"Give me the real thing, not just religion,
stir up my passion, with more of conviction,
I want it all, not just a portion,
give me Your presence, not just some feeling."
I LOVE that.
Real faith gives room for doubt because doubt produces growth.
You can't give up. You can't stop looking; stop seeking. Well, yes, you can, but I pray you won't. Because it's in those times of doubt or pure spiritual/physical exhaustion that we find the real Jesus.