'Til one in the morning.
The conversation originally started with me voicing my sorrow over a friend's lifestyle and how I knew she was hurting, but really I can't help her because my words are too feeble and she doesn't act on them, so I pray.
But that lead to a different conversation about living without a dad present in my life and then I said this,
"It's hard not having a father. It wounds you in areas you can't even begin to understand until you're there, all up in those areas, and you're like, 'Wow. I don't know anything about this.' It's even harder seeing God as Father because I haven't had one around and I'm just waiting for God to give up on me for making mistakes because my dad gave up on me and didn't want me.'Cue stunned silence.
What? Did I really just say that? Well... honesty ensues.
Even now I have tears in my eyes.
Y'all, this is where I'm at. I know God is my Abba but I don't know what the heck a Father really is and I look to Him to show me what a Father's love is like, but I still have the hardest time grasping even a tenth of it.
Grace. His grace pours over my doubts, fears, pains, and uncertainties. He's all I've got. He's the only Father I'll ever have.
So I'm getting real with God. Open. Honest. No lies. No hiding. He can handle it and He will set me straight in His sovereignty.
I now ask you if there are some words that will stun even you, pent up inside that you haven't shared with anyone, including yourself? What do you have to fear?