My dad was never present in my life. Not my earthly dad at least. I don't talk about it too much. I don't like playing the victim, seeing it as the problem it has been in my life.
But yesterday that changed.
A person I deemed trustworthy proved not to be and the words he spoke stung like a dagger in my already wounded heart.
I went to more people I trusted, to be comforted by a woman and let down by more words spoken from a man. The message spoken to my fragile heart?
I can always trust the women better than the men.
And my life has been filled with many, many times where this has shown. It wasn't a friend's mother who came behind and exploited my womanly figure, it was a friend's father. A father.
Ah, and people wonder why I can't make decisions, simple, "insignificant" decisions, and be confident in them. Every choice is met with a question, "Are you pleased, Daddy?" "Is this right, Papa?" "Are you mad?" "Do You love me?"
To believe that I am accepted merely because of the sacrifice Jesus made is one of the greatest battles I will ever face and yet it is also one of the most life changing truths I will ever hear or know.
Not being able to work my way into the Kingdom is both a freedom and a struggle. Struggling because my whole life has been filled with attempts to earn a father who loves me only to realize I do in fact have a Father who loves me.
This Christmas time has been filled with anything but warm fuzzies. My entire year has been filled with anything but warm fuzzies. But He is making me slowly, but surely into His child. His child.
So the daddy wound unopened, was opened yesterday and it hurts like you wouldn't believe and it's scary because I don't know who to trust and the fear can sometimes paralyze me into wondering what to do, but I have a Heavenly Father who sees and knows and understands completely and He will help me. That's grace for today.