By the grace of God

At the beginning of the year I started going through a Chronological Bible study plan. I've always thought it would be cool to go in order of the things that happened so many years ago. So that's what I did... am doing.

Since it's still at the beginning-ish stages, you can guess I've been camped out in the Old Testament. I'll be honest and let you know that some days, no matter how focused I am (though, to be fair, I am can get really unfocused while reading the Word), I don't get a special word from God... some form of enlightenment to take with me throughout the day. Sometimes it's just a subtle form of peace.

Today, though, I was reading through Deuteronomy 8-10. All 3 of those chapters blessed me so much. I can't pinpoint all the things that touched me but I was extremely blessed to read about how God told the Israelites through Moses, not to be prideful because of their righteousness when they entered the promised land because they had none- righteousness that is. He told them that they were stubborn and disobedient. After reading about how many sacrifices you had to make for all the different sins, I was kind of excited and saddened to be able to finally relate.

I was excited to be able to see myself in this particular period of time, I was saddened because I saw more of my sin and less righteousness and perfection.. those things I try to attain so badly.

Many times I've noticed in my life how badly I want to be perfect. How badly I want others to see me and say, 'Wow. Look at her.' I am prideful, and selfish, and stupid sometimes. I can be that disobedient and stubborn Israelite stuck in the wilderness. I can get snappy at people, apologize for it, and then somehow find myself doing it again in not even 10 minutes. I can be too hard on myself and too hard on other people and when it comes to grace, no matter how many times I experience it, I still seem to be at a loss for understanding it (and maybe that's because love and grace are better experienced than understood). Relying on the Lord and His strength is not my strong suit, but I still try and when the Lord tells me to cease striving and know He is God I sometimes cry.

I've found myself uttering the words, I can't do this, I can't do this, I can't do this. many, many times in the past few weeks. I've reached my breaking point in certain areas and yet somehow I keep going. How? By the grace of God. And maybe that's the whole point of this post. To show you that  I'm just as imperfect as you are and I have struggles, and dry seasons, and temper-tantrums too. To show you that the girls and guys with blogs aren't this clean-shaven, cookie-cutter, sinless person. We are all sinners. Yet His love came down and He died on a cross because when we utter, I can't do this, He says, 'But I did.'

I'm not as righteous as I want to be and I see myself more in the Israelites than in Moses but I'm thankful that Jesus took my place to lay His righteousness on me. I'm thankful that I don't have to strive to be perfect and try to earn His love and grace because I already have it. Let's strive to be more faith-filled and believe Him than to try and be Him. Amen?

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