Old, new pain

I sat in the car.

Gentle drizzle of tears pouring down my cheeks.

No words. Some pain. Longing for healing.

He asked, "What's wrong?"

I answered, "It's hard, you know, when you don't have a dad. Decisions that are easier for everybody else become a little harder for me. I'm a woman... we're not always treated with respect. It's just hard sometimes."

It was odd timing, this old pain that seems to have become new, coming like it did, when it did.

I never knew my dad. I've seen him once in my entire life... and now he's not living so I'll never know him. He was a stranger, yes, but he's still my father. I still carry his genes. And maybe that's the part that craves to know why I am the way I am. What I have that came from him.

I have an amazing mother. I know that. What I wonder is, did I have an amazing father too?

I can't answer that.

But sometimes we don't get answers and we don't get healing this side of Heaven.

Sometimes we have to learn to develop peace knowing that God will heal us one day, even if it's not on this earth.

So I might wonder, I might long, I might hurt, and I might cry. But this pain doesn't last forever. Joy comes in the morning... even if that morning comes in Heaven.

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