8.21.2017

The choice to rely

Semester starts tomorrow. I'm nervous.

For those wanting an update (or to my future self wondering how in the world I was doing at this particular moment of my life) I am doing so much better than three weeks ago. The battle has been won by the LORD and I am okay today because of that. So, for those going through a dark season where maybe suicide is a thought, death is a prayer, and living is a nightmare, please press into the LORD GOD ALMIGHTY hard. Keep pressing. Read the Bible over and over again. Write Scripture in a notebook (sidenote: this helps me so, so much!!) and begin to believe it. Even if it's hard to believe, pray for God to help you believe. This is hard, but you will get through because God has a purpose for your life and it goes so much further than this moment. Yet, even in this moment He has a purpose for it. Find it. Also, journal everything. Thoughts, fears, doubts, joys, sorrows, EVERYTHING. Let it be a prayer to God and trust that He will lead you through each thing. It's going to take some time (which hurts like hell to the soul right now), but I promise God will help you get through this and you'll be closer to Him because of it.

Now, back to semester starts... well y'all... I'm scared. Not really about grades or such. I'm scared to be alone. This is the first time I've been going to college completely by myself. That's scary to me. Memories are there. Memories of a person who won't be there with me. Nobody is gonna be there holding my hand. I will be walking alone (but not alone, 'cause Jesus). This is just hard today.

There are good days and harder days. Tonight feels hard. Tears are threatening to fall... tears that used to be wiped for me, but now I'm the only one wiping them. God will wipe them away one day. One day is the hope I cling to. On the hard days and the scary days we always have a choice to rely on the One who holds our hearts in the silence, the waiting, the confusion, the darkness, the joy, the mundane, all of it.

I have a choice to rely this semester. This is a blessing in disguise. I had a person to cling to before. Not a bad thing really. We need each other as human beings. We need fellowship and friendship and relationship and these are all good things. Yet, this semester I have an entirely different opportunity to seek the LORD and rely on Him for all my wanderings, all my fears, all the hard stuff. I'm scared, but I'm thankful.

I'm thankful that three weeks ago when I prayed for death, He still gave me breath and life and goodness. I'm thankful that even though I threw up 2 weeks in a row every ounce I put into my body, He still sustained in more ways than one (and let me tell you, I was not wanting to be sustained. That's the Lord's goodness!!). I'm thankful that every thought that threatened to drag me into the deepest, darkest pit of despair I've ever felt,  was replaced with His Word and truth. Every now and then, the valley gets dark again. It keeps me humble and seeking so I keep pressing and pushing by the grace of God.

Moment by moment we have the choice to rely. I choose to rely. What about you?

8.08.2017

Hard words, hard things, hard life.

"Tara, I don't love you anymore."

The words hit me like a ton of bricks. A TON. If this were a movie, this is the scene where the black hole erupts out of nowhere or the volcano explodes or the world ends. Why? Because for me that day, my world felt like it was ending.

I had a panic attack. I got no sleep that night. I cried. I prayed. I cried some more. I emailed, I called, I messaged. Why didn't he want me anymore? Yes, I was lonely. Yes, I was desperate. I'm a fixer. I fix things. This could be fixed, right? Sure, I'm no perfect being (duh, that's why I need Jesus), but I thought I was kind of cool. I didn't understand after so many years how something (and someone) who had so much value to me, no longer had value for me in his eyes.

What did I do wrong?
What can I do right?
How do I fix this?
Is he serious?
He didn't mean it.
No, this is not happening. God, please, don't let this be happening.

It happened.
I couldn't fix this.
DO I HAVE TO ENDURE THIS!?

So two weeks have passed just like the relationship. Lots of journal entries written, prayers to God, prayers from friends, tears, talks, food, food thrown up (sorry. graphic), and depression. Oh yes. Depression came back. Hard. I don't want to get out of bed. I told God I wanted Him to take me home, 'cause obviously, I'm ready. He said no.

I'm still here.

This morning I asked for help. Again. 'Cause it's not that I need a man. I just wanted him. Yet, God said no. Again.

It's not that this is the end of me. But it is the end of that part of me. Death brings pain and the death of what once was looms over me right now. I see some seeds being planted, but have they bloomed yet? I don't know... maybe I see some growth coming.

There aren't really any hard feelings. I've learned to forgive. God knows that. There are words, though. Painful, hurtful words. They play like a record over and over and over in my brain and you better believe Satan is using them right now. If I could've tattooed how I felt last week it would have said "Worthless". I don't feel like that today. Today I feel restless. Tired. Worn. God knows all this. I've told Him about it a million times.

So my point to all of this (besides general therapy) is that the best thing to do after a breakup is take it one step at a time. Today, I read my Bible. I did my devotionals. I journaled. I prayed. I went for a walk. I listened to worship music. I cried. I allowed myself time to breathe and shut my brain off. Not because it's a good checklist of things I did, but they were accomplishments to me moving forward with God. I don't know what tomorrow will look like. The thing about a breakup is we get so involved in routines with one person that once they are shut off our entire being goes into breakdown. However, didn't James tell us that we don't even know what we will do tomorrow? Um, yeah, God already knew this would happen. He already knows what will happen tomorrow. It might involve amazing things or it could involve horrible things, I don't know. He knows. Exercising trust is painful.

Today, Jesus, I trust You. You are enough. I let go.

8.05.2017

Loose ends and a messy blog

Well. Where do I start? With my absense? Or with my current presense?

Let me tell you, this is my therapy tonight. I'm tired. I'm hurt and I need help and I think other people might need help too... to know they're not alone. We're not. We're ok.

So for the past four years I've been in a relationship. It was good. It was nice. It was fun. But it was unhealthy. I knew that. This is not to throw shade or shame at him. I still love him. He's no longer mine, but he still belongs to God and he is my brother in Christ, whether he wants that identity now or not. That said, it was unhealthy and not what God wanted and I knew that, but no matter how many times the Lord told me (why am I so hardheaded?!) I completely ignored Him. I couldn't do it. And I didn't.

So fast forward to now, he broke up with me.

The words are surreal. The pain is SO REAL. I'm heartbroken. The last words he spoke to me were anything but loving which confirmed the end of the relationship, but the grief I have is still there and so real. It's been 2 weeks and I still think about him. I still struggle at night with thoughts of why. I pray and read God's Word and I CRY. I mean, ugly cry. Like shoulders bobbing up and down, can probably hear me outside the house cry. He was my best friend and I made him my idol. I loved him more than I loved God and it showed. God allowed what happened to happen for a reason and a purpose. MAN IS THAT HARD TO BELIEVE!!! Y'all. This is sooooooo hard. I've listened to sermons. I've read articles. I've talked to countless people. All in all, I'm looking for a way to replace the pain. Yet, God allows it. The end of this relationship was ugly. It wasn't one for the movies or books. IT WAS UGLY. I wish it didn't end that way. My entire being loves to fix things. I hate loose ends. This is a loose end that just has to be left hanging. I can't fix the words or the actions that have happened. I can only control my actions and my words. God knows that I've struggled with that too. I don't want to talk bad about him. BUT I DO AT THE SAME TIME. Why? 'Cause I'm just trying to escape the pain. Yet, I'm doing my best under God's hand to not talk badly. Not to lie or let the situation be looked at as better than it was, but to only say what needs to be said and leave it at that. Why? Because I believe that's what God wants me to do right now and I'm just trying to be obedient for once and do what He says.

So, my identity is hurt. I have no clue what to actually do now that I'm single. Four years is a long time, and yet a short time too. Perspective. My life is not over. God still has a plan for me even if it looks dark right now and confusing and hurt filled. I still have my God. I still have Him. I lost my best friend, but my Forever Friend is still here. I keep reminding myself this in the dark. You have to do that too, if you're suffering as well. We have the Lord always. No matter what. He never forsakes us. I told several people that maybe this happened because Jesus is getting ready to come back and God wants to make sure I'm ready. I can honestly see that. I don't know, though. But God allowed all of this and now I have to seek Him in the dark and love Him in the dark even while the pain threaten to overtakes me. I encourage you to do the same. It's hard. It's gonna hurt. I don't know your situation or your pain, but I know our God and HE will NOT leave us. So cry your tears, wipe your eyes, pick up His Word and if all you can read is a verse, then read it. Hold on to it. Hold on to Him. Know that He is holding on to you and we can do this together. I don't know who is reading this, but I give you an internet hug. We're gonna be okay. Feel free to share a verse, a story, or a prayer request in the comments. God bless you, friends.