8.08.2017

Hard words, hard things, hard life.

"Tara, I don't love you anymore."

The words hit me like a ton of bricks. A TON. If this were a movie, this is the scene where the black hole erupts out of nowhere or the volcano explodes or the world ends. Why? Because for me that day, my world felt like it was ending.

I had a panic attack. I got no sleep that night. I cried. I prayed. I cried some more. I emailed, I called, I messaged. Why didn't he want me anymore? Yes, I was lonely. Yes, I was desperate. I'm a fixer. I fix things. This could be fixed, right? Sure, I'm no perfect being (duh, that's why I need Jesus), but I thought I was kind of cool. I didn't understand after so many years how something (and someone) who had so much value to me, no longer had value for me in his eyes.

What did I do wrong?
What can I do right?
How do I fix this?
Is he serious?
He didn't mean it.
No, this is not happening. God, please, don't let this be happening.

It happened.
I couldn't fix this.
DO I HAVE TO ENDURE THIS!?

So two weeks have passed just like the relationship. Lots of journal entries written, prayers to God, prayers from friends, tears, talks, food, food thrown up (sorry. graphic), and depression. Oh yes. Depression came back. Hard. I don't want to get out of bed. I told God I wanted Him to take me home, 'cause obviously, I'm ready. He said no.

I'm still here.

This morning I asked for help. Again. 'Cause it's not that I need a man. I just wanted him. Yet, God said no. Again.

It's not that this is the end of me. But it is the end of that part of me. Death brings pain and the death of what once was looms over me right now. I see some seeds being planted, but have they bloomed yet? I don't know... maybe I see some growth coming.

There aren't really any hard feelings. I've learned to forgive. God knows that. There are words, though. Painful, hurtful words. They play like a record over and over and over in my brain and you better believe Satan is using them right now. If I could've tattooed how I felt last week it would have said "Worthless". I don't feel like that today. Today I feel restless. Tired. Worn. God knows all this. I've told Him about it a million times.

So my point to all of this (besides general therapy) is that the best thing to do after a breakup is take it one step at a time. Today, I read my Bible. I did my devotionals. I journaled. I prayed. I went for a walk. I listened to worship music. I cried. I allowed myself time to breathe and shut my brain off. Not because it's a good checklist of things I did, but they were accomplishments to me moving forward with God. I don't know what tomorrow will look like. The thing about a breakup is we get so involved in routines with one person that once they are shut off our entire being goes into breakdown. However, didn't James tell us that we don't even know what we will do tomorrow? Um, yeah, God already knew this would happen. He already knows what will happen tomorrow. It might involve amazing things or it could involve horrible things, I don't know. He knows. Exercising trust is painful.

Today, Jesus, I trust You. You are enough. I let go.

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