8.05.2017

Loose ends and a messy blog

Well. Where do I start? With my absense? Or with my current presense?

Let me tell you, this is my therapy tonight. I'm tired. I'm hurt and I need help and I think other people might need help too... to know they're not alone. We're not. We're ok.

So for the past four years I've been in a relationship. It was good. It was nice. It was fun. But it was unhealthy. I knew that. This is not to throw shade or shame at him. I still love him. He's no longer mine, but he still belongs to God and he is my brother in Christ, whether he wants that identity now or not. That said, it was unhealthy and not what God wanted and I knew that, but no matter how many times the Lord told me (why am I so hardheaded?!) I completely ignored Him. I couldn't do it. And I didn't.

So fast forward to now, he broke up with me.

The words are surreal. The pain is SO REAL. I'm heartbroken. The last words he spoke to me were anything but loving which confirmed the end of the relationship, but the grief I have is still there and so real. It's been 2 weeks and I still think about him. I still struggle at night with thoughts of why. I pray and read God's Word and I CRY. I mean, ugly cry. Like shoulders bobbing up and down, can probably hear me outside the house cry. He was my best friend and I made him my idol. I loved him more than I loved God and it showed. God allowed what happened to happen for a reason and a purpose. MAN IS THAT HARD TO BELIEVE!!! Y'all. This is sooooooo hard. I've listened to sermons. I've read articles. I've talked to countless people. All in all, I'm looking for a way to replace the pain. Yet, God allows it. The end of this relationship was ugly. It wasn't one for the movies or books. IT WAS UGLY. I wish it didn't end that way. My entire being loves to fix things. I hate loose ends. This is a loose end that just has to be left hanging. I can't fix the words or the actions that have happened. I can only control my actions and my words. God knows that I've struggled with that too. I don't want to talk bad about him. BUT I DO AT THE SAME TIME. Why? 'Cause I'm just trying to escape the pain. Yet, I'm doing my best under God's hand to not talk badly. Not to lie or let the situation be looked at as better than it was, but to only say what needs to be said and leave it at that. Why? Because I believe that's what God wants me to do right now and I'm just trying to be obedient for once and do what He says.

So, my identity is hurt. I have no clue what to actually do now that I'm single. Four years is a long time, and yet a short time too. Perspective. My life is not over. God still has a plan for me even if it looks dark right now and confusing and hurt filled. I still have my God. I still have Him. I lost my best friend, but my Forever Friend is still here. I keep reminding myself this in the dark. You have to do that too, if you're suffering as well. We have the Lord always. No matter what. He never forsakes us. I told several people that maybe this happened because Jesus is getting ready to come back and God wants to make sure I'm ready. I can honestly see that. I don't know, though. But God allowed all of this and now I have to seek Him in the dark and love Him in the dark even while the pain threaten to overtakes me. I encourage you to do the same. It's hard. It's gonna hurt. I don't know your situation or your pain, but I know our God and HE will NOT leave us. So cry your tears, wipe your eyes, pick up His Word and if all you can read is a verse, then read it. Hold on to it. Hold on to Him. Know that He is holding on to you and we can do this together. I don't know who is reading this, but I give you an internet hug. We're gonna be okay. Feel free to share a verse, a story, or a prayer request in the comments. God bless you, friends.

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