Semester starts tomorrow. I'm nervous.
For those wanting an update (or to my future self wondering how in the world I was doing at this particular moment of my life) I am doing so much better than three weeks ago. The battle has been won by the LORD and I am okay today because of that. So, for those going through a dark season where maybe suicide is a thought, death is a prayer, and living is a nightmare, please press into the LORD GOD ALMIGHTY hard. Keep pressing. Read the Bible over and over again. Write Scripture in a notebook (sidenote: this helps me so, so much!!) and begin to believe it. Even if it's hard to believe, pray for God to help you believe. This is hard, but you will get through because God has a purpose for your life and it goes so much further than this moment. Yet, even in this moment He has a purpose for it. Find it. Also, journal everything. Thoughts, fears, doubts, joys, sorrows, EVERYTHING. Let it be a prayer to God and trust that He will lead you through each thing. It's going to take some time (which hurts like hell to the soul right now), but I promise God will help you get through this and you'll be closer to Him because of it.
Now, back to semester starts... well y'all... I'm scared. Not really about grades or such. I'm scared to be alone. This is the first time I've been going to college completely by myself. That's scary to me. Memories are there. Memories of a person who won't be there with me. Nobody is gonna be there holding my hand. I will be walking alone (but not alone, 'cause Jesus). This is just hard today.
There are good days and harder days. Tonight feels hard. Tears are threatening to fall... tears that used to be wiped for me, but now I'm the only one wiping them. God will wipe them away one day. One day is the hope I cling to. On the hard days and the scary days we always have a choice to rely on the One who holds our hearts in the silence, the waiting, the confusion, the darkness, the joy, the mundane, all of it.
I have a choice to rely this semester. This is a blessing in disguise. I had a person to cling to before. Not a bad thing really. We need each other as human beings. We need fellowship and friendship and relationship and these are all good things. Yet, this semester I have an entirely different opportunity to seek the LORD and rely on Him for all my wanderings, all my fears, all the hard stuff. I'm scared, but I'm thankful.
I'm thankful that three weeks ago when I prayed for death, He still gave me breath and life and goodness. I'm thankful that even though I threw up 2 weeks in a row every ounce I put into my body, He still sustained in more ways than one (and let me tell you, I was not wanting to be sustained. That's the Lord's goodness!!). I'm thankful that every thought that threatened to drag me into the deepest, darkest pit of despair I've ever felt, was replaced with His Word and truth. Every now and then, the valley gets dark again. It keeps me humble and seeking so I keep pressing and pushing by the grace of God.
Moment by moment we have the choice to rely. I choose to rely. What about you?